Lashing Out

I'm really disappointed that I did exactly what my post said I wasn't going to do.

On Saturday night I lashed out at Richard. We'd had a really good weekend (which included positive social growth on many levels) but after the place cleared out we went walking (so I could sober up) and I turned on him. The worst part is that I remember everything that happened after I lashed out - including his response - just not what I said to hurt him. Richard isn't inclined to tell me, and though I don't want to understand or accept that, I do. Whatever it was, it was bad enough that he slept at his parents' house on Saturday and the couch on Sunday.

It will take him a while to sort through his feelings, and until then I'm trying something new: instead of feeling horribly guilty and shutting down (crying in bed, alone) I'm talking about my feelings with Sarah and Cass and determining the most productive way to move forward until(?) Richard and I are able to communicate.

As scary as it is to appear weak in front of others, doing so has helped me realize that it's okay to ask for help. It's also okay to be barely able to put a sentence together while asking for that help...and it's okay to write a post about it that seems totally disjointed.

Here's the refreshing thing: it's so simple. I fucked up. I said something really hurtful to my partner. He's allowed to be angry, and he's allowed to not want to talk about it. There are no sides, here, because I agree with him. And the unintended side effect of him saying that I'm "on my own on this one" is that I'm forced to reach out in other directions...and feel less "on my own."

As much as it hurts - yeah, it's tearing me apart - I'm growing.