Progression

Livejournal is down, which is frustrating because I'd like to use it to find a counselor that is familiar and/or comfortable with alternative sexualities and practices - LJ seems to be the best place to get recommendations for things like that.

Obviously, Richard and I talked last night. From what we can gather, my past abuse took over and I became completely self-destructive, digging at anything I thought would hurt him.

I never went to therapy because I was always cognizant of my own issues and triggers. This event - though it only happened once and never has before - has shown me that there are little buried time bombs ticking down, waiting for the right circumstances to explode.

That is finished.

I will not be betrayed by my own mind.



As much as I'd like to end my post there, I will kick myself later if I don't note a few other points:

I handled the conversation very well. This experience has helped me tremendously in being progressive and productive instead of guiltily going numb and beating my chest about it.

Richard has forgiven me, but things aren't better (though he says they're "mostly better"). He didn't expect me to handle the fallout this well.

I'm not "forbidden to drink" but Richard and I came up with a drinking rule: three-drink maximum. He vetoed "no drinking;" I was being harder on myself than he was.

Barring any new insight, we've determined that this incident was not a product of the new experimentation in our relationship. I did push that button, but I pushed every other button, too: I was spoiling for a fight.

Richard asked if I wanted a "consequence," then told me that said consequence is that I must play Resistance 2 with him all weekend. Then he bought me a new controller. (Oh, that man...)

I'm afraid of therapy, mostly because I'm afraid of finding out that I'm not in control of myself. This recent rude awakening has negated that excuse, so as soon as I choose a therapist with availability on Saturday and an open mind about sexuality, I'm making my first appointment.