Things That Move Me

I still need face paint and classic red party cups.

Last night I went on a twenty-minute walk, did some hip-opening yoga, took the garbage and recycling out, showered and watched bits and pieces of Bring It On. (I then tried to hide the latter from Richard; he found out anyway.) I even tried to meditate - post-yoga in corpse pose - but there was just too much on my mind and, sadly, I didn't have enough time to get it all out.

Tonight is party-prep night, so tomorrow I can deal with whatever comes up, gets in my way, or goes wrong. Richard also insists that I play Little Big Planet with him.

Lastly, I'm in the process of deleting my MySpace. Only two more people need to read my "contact information" message before it goes - I've already transfered all of my photos and blogs.

Now if I could only focus on work for ten minutes, I'd really feel accomplished. Instead, I'll take deep breaths and remember that the moment I get off the bus I'll be rewarded with this:

Prophecies

In Chinese astrology, I'm The Pig. This upset me for many years, but I'm mostly over it. Other than my shame at being mud-covered and snorting, I never really got into the eastern astrology thing. After stumbling across chaoselemental's recent post and doing some link-clicking, though, I'm going to take my horoscope at face value and work it for all it's worth. Who cares if it's delusion as long as it's inspiration?

Forecast for 2008
...Much attention needs to be paid to legal matters, financial details and any paperwork...the Pig needs to be extremely selective in who he confides in. A lot of personal soul searching and decisions will also be made this year...May and August will be important months for career advancement.

This is all eerily correct: my case settled, my confidants went tits-up, and during these last few months I've become a very different person. If I'd been paying attention, I would have pursued all those writing opportunities I had with Shoreline and Lindsay in the spring and summer months.

Here's the clincher, though:

Forecast for 2009
2009 should prove to be a lucky and encouraging year for all Pigs. Interesting offers and chance meetings can occur at any time of the year and the Pig needs to be alert and aware for any lucky breaks. With such a hectic year, it’s important for the Pig to make time for fun and relaxation and travel may be one way to do this. It’s also an excellent year to review his diet and fitness regime, as he needs to be in top form for such an active schedule. April to July will bring happy times for love and relationships, while August and September bring interesting offers on the work front, particularly in relation to publishing and writing.

That means I need to start working. Now. Right now.

...and take the time to relax, too.

And. Um. Find twelve more hours for each day.

Shit.


[Astrological information found here; go to my LJ for a more detail entry.]

Nervous

Last night I slept.

Well, I mostly slept. Richard met me after work and we drove to Seward Park for a dinner of Philly cheese steak sandwiches (delicious!). I hadn't slept well the night before, so when we got home I curled up in bed, intending to get up once Richard was ready to go downstairs. Instead of dragging me out of bed he climbed in with me; we slept from seven p.m. to six a.m., with a short dog-and-birth-control break at midnight. I'm well-rested, but as far as accomplishments go I've got nothing.

My night-before-mare centered on being powerless against a stronger male presence. I re-gained the power, lost it, and only re-gained it again when I got angry. The dream reminds me that I put too much focus on Richard as a source of protection and should focus on determining my own abilities instead. (A side note: When I dream, I often lose all strength in my hands - a lovely metaphor - but in this dream I actually used my hands to disable an attacker. A step forward?)

The problem is this: I'm fighting any additions to my already full-seeming schedule. Yes, I'd love to take aikido, but what happens to my once-a-week "relaxing night" if I add two nights away from home? What happens to the dog's play time, the housework, and the few minutes I want to spend ignoring my phone and going comatose in front of a movie?

It makes me nervous.

Things That I Finished

I started taking fish oil again this morning. I forgot that it makes me feel like I'm burping sushi. This isn't good unless you've actually been eating sushi.

The weekend was just what I thought it would be: incredibly busy. Richard forgot his mom's birthday, so on Saturday we added photo printing, framing and wrapping to our list of things to do. (We used the photo to the left.) We got everything done, though - including cleaning the kitchen floors - before Sarah and her friend Billy came over. Haunted housing was a bit of a bust, but feeling the divot in Sarah's freshly-shaved leg made up for it.

Cindy and Rob didn't come over until late Sunday afternoon, so I had a chance to do something that's been on my list for a while: clean the downstairs bedroom. I managed to stay focused (no multitasking!) and all that's left to do is put the now-clean sheets back on the bed and throw a blanket on top. Now our Day of the Dead guests will have a place to pass out without being forced to cuddle with boxes of our memorabilia.

I have no doubt that I will be unproductive this evening, but I'm hoping to at least move around a little before curling up for a post-weekend sleep-a-thon. However, I recommend betting against me.

Social Things

I've found that listening to Pandora.com keeps me focused at work. Thusfar, I feel accomplished.

Last night I said that I'd "either take the dog on a walk or have him out...then [meditate] or put the focus on Richard, depending on what he needs." I kept to that plan, loosely: Richard and I talked while Ned bounced around with us, then went downstairs to beat things up (Castle Crashers). I tried to decline the beat-em-up so I could meditate, but then Richard explained that it was important to him that I spend time while he's distracted. (The nice thing about four years with someone is that an "explanation" can be as simple as a sad look and a vulnerable tone when asking, for the second time, "Please, honey?") I relented, and we beat things up.

It's another school night for Richard, so I have grand walk-to-the-store plans. I also need to freshen up on my local politicians and send my election ballot in. GoBama.

If I have time, I'll start putting together the wish list my mom asked for. I can work on that with Ned out, or while laundry is going. Either way.

It's going to be a busy weekend:

Saturday: Take Ned to his bath appointment; pick up birth control; pick Ned up; meet Sarah for haunted house-ing, dancing, or a night in.

Sunday: Rob and Cindy come over.

What people (read: Richard) don't often realize is that having friends over means cleaning. The kitchen, the living room, the dog's room: these are three places that everyone is definitely going to see, whether I want them to or not. The downstairs mess often needs to get picked up and rearranged, too, for comfortable video-gaming. Richard said he'd help out on Friday night and Sunday morning, so I'm in hopes that my frustrations don't have a chance to get the best of me.

The Death of a Relaxing Evening

I bought peppers (two of the cute little ones in the corners on the main page), twelve-hour candles, a Day of the Dead paper display, sugar skull molds and meringue powder.

I love the market.

There were some beautiful calveras and the wood carvings were 20% off, but nothing leapt at me screaming, "Jen, I'm yours! Don't leave without me!" (except for a weasel, which was 825$, and the otter shown in this blog, which is 450$) so I kept my purchases to a minimum. Other than making sure I have enough sugar (and buying perishable food two or three days before the party) I'm all set.

Because of the hefty and awkward purchases, though, I won't be walking partway home. I may try taking the dog for a walk - it's a definite arm workout - since it looks like Richard will be staying home from school today. (He left work early and is at home now.)

So, new plan: either take the dog on a walk or have him out while I'm cleaning (living room); then an honest attempt at meditation or put the focus on Richard, depending on what he needs.

Alone

I have a hard time convincing myself to run errands alone. Once I start driving I feel better - yeah, I'm the girl listening to the classical station at full volume - but the concept of spending an hour or two running errands, by myself, is daunting. No one to talk to? How will I survive?

Last night I drove to Seward Park to buy new dog food (Avoderm, which should help his skin and coat), then to the local Safeway to pick up milk and cereal. I have another grocery run to make later this week (using an actual list) and as a package to mail. Maybe I'll be brave on Saturday and do both.

Other than the errands mentioned above, it wasn't a very productive evening. I finished a book I've already read twice and talked with Cass online. Come to think of it, the talk was productive: I'm making quality people one of my priorities, and Cass has quality. (We made tentative plans for next next Tuesday.)

Richard has school tonight, so I'm going to take the opportunity to leave work a half hour early, get off the bus at Henderson, and walk home. Forced exercise, hoo-rah! After I wheeze in the door I'll let Ned out for love and vacuuming. Then, maybe, some meditation...if it's not too late in the evening.

Old Things

The drama continues.

Calvin sent a scathing, tantrum-reminiscent email last night. I haven't responded yet, and am not sure if I intend to. What relationship do Calvin and I have? Is it better to suffer the frustrations of making an attempt at a (wholly unlikely) resolution? Or is my initial reaction - to fix the boo-boo - a reflex: do I feel the need to resolve the issue because that's just what I do...whether or not we're actually friends?

Maybe this Buddhism thing is sinking in a little.

Richard is - or was - friends with Calvin, though, for seventeen years. He already made his decision, but he's still having a hard time, and I'm doing my best to console and distract him by turns. It's not enough; it never is when one of your closest friendships begins to unravel like an old sweater: it didn't fit anymore, but that doesn't mean you want it to fall apart.

I should vacuum while the dog's out tonight - he'll find it interesting. If I haven't been to the store by then, I'll also need to pick up dog food. And milk. And crackers.

Things that Stink

I woke up early on Saturday and took Ned out to run-n-play while I hosed down his defecation area, then had to chase him when he bolted into our neighbor's yard. Far from minding, Marti took the opportunity to show me her hysterectomy scar and introduce me to her mother. Ned managed to transfer dog poop from Marti's backyard to her foot via his paw.

It was gross and I thought you should know.

Feeling accomplished and naturally pretty despite my feces-filled morning, I didn't spend much time primping for Richard's company party. Other than our raffle wins (him: a crappy mp3 player; me: $25 to Starbucks and a plastic container filled with 520 pieces of candy corn - I guessed 512) and our hand-holding stroll through the park, it was uneventful.

We were supposed to game later that evening, but miscommunications led to tantrums and our plans fell through. Rob, Ben, Richard and I had dinner and played Castle Crashers instead.

The miscommunications and tantrums led into Sunday, which was shot by the time we figured out that nothing would get resolved. We missed out on plans with Sarah, but did get the chance to go to Vivace with Ben later in the evening.

As far as priorities go, I don't feel terrible about the weekend. Ned got some attention, the necessary housework got done (and nothing further), and I spent time with two quality people outside of our usual gaming sessions. I would rather have kept plans with Sarah and focused on Buddhism a bit more (or at least worked out) but I'm not kicking myself for letting Calvin-gate get in the way. Richard is really torn up about it, and if there's one thing that's important to me, it's supporting Richard the best I can.

I have a doctor's appointment tonight, so my workout is going to be the walk to and from her office. My goal is to spend the majority of that walk focusing on my mind, and not on my mp3 player or a book.

Soap in My Brain

Kundalini Yoga tried to brainwash me, and now my back feels worse than before I used it. Sarah suggested we watch it drunk: I think that's the only proper use for it at this point. I certainly wouldn't give it to one of my friends for personal use.

Fully defeated, I'm going back to Yoga Conditioning for Women and starting my yoga DVD search from scratch. If you've come upon my blog and have a recommendation, please don't hesitate to comment.

Focus

I spent most of last night focusing on the animals. Simon and I had reading time together, and Ned followed me around and had some serious face-in-my-face time. His neck is healing nicely.



I also started What the Buddha Taught. Thusfar, it's inspiring.

This morning I tried the beginning meditations from my Kundalini yoga DVD. It was awkward, and definitely something I'll want to practice alone. However, my lungs felt clearer afterward.

I plan on finishing the Kundalini DVD this evening, spending time with the dog (nail clipping?) and doing a quick clean of the kitchen. In fact, I can probably clean the kitchen while Ned's out with me...

Isn't it funny that we never think of these simple ways to multitask?

Goals...big goals.

-Get a job in an industry that focuses on writing.
-Immerse myself in eastern philosophy and culture: study a martial art, meditate regularly, practice yoga, and study Theravada Buddhism.

The first goal is one I've had for years that hasn't been achieved because I fear failure. There are many ways to get to this goal, and lots of branches I can scramble off to once I reach it.

The second goal hasn't been achieved because I've been lazy. I'm not as driven as I used to be, and there's always something that gets in the way, something that takes less time, is easier to do, and yet makes me feel "accomplished" - for the moment anyway. I also balk at the idea of developing a connection to eastern practices because I hate the idea of being viewed as one of those people that gets kanji tattoos and looks like a douchey poser. However, Buddhism DOES focus on ridding oneself of the need for that kind of superficial acceptance...

I guess this journal is supposed to help me focus on these things, as well as push me to let go of the things that aren't important. Spending time with Richard benefits my life; re-organizing my closet doesn't. Cuddling with the dog is important both for him and for me; sitting in front of the computer and absent-mindedly petting him isn't.

Okay. Well then. Here we go.

Well, that was fast.

There are too many things I want to do, and too many other things that get in the way. I think it's time to whittle down my life to my big priorities, to the things that scare me.

I think I'll take a step back from the silly things that are holding me up and start standing under my own power. I think I'll take off the blindfold.

Inspiration

I use Livejournal for blogging, but Blogger is so...tempting. For now, click the link to be taken to my LJ and, if you have any suggestions as to what I should use this blog for, let me know.

I'd like to find something that inspires me.